It’s that time of year again! Nope, not referring to the end of school, although that is upon us too! I’m referring to the time of year when my minis are going to start asking us to go to the beach, and the stud and I, through gritted teeth, are going to say, “OF COURSE WE ARE SWEET CHILDREN! WE CAN’T WAIT!” Why?! Because parenting means sometimes doing things that you don’t want to do. And for us, that means going to the beach. I know I know, you LOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVE the beach. Good for you! Can my kids go with YOU then?! Kidding!!! (sort of)

Before I get too far in to why I hate the beach as a 35-year-old, let’s go back to a 12-year-old Miranda. I was visiting the beach for the first time ever in my life. I was there with my gymnastic’s team, and my mom was a chaperone so she got to be with me for my first experience!!! We ran onto the sand, and I charged in to the ocean like I had been waiting 12 years for this (I had)!!! I was maybe in there for all of 15 seconds, and I felt this pain on my ankle, like a stabbing. And I lifted my leg out of the water, and a jellyfish tentacle was wrapped around my ankle. I freaked the EFF out yall. I tried shaking it off, and was hysterical. Because not only did it hurt like hell, but it wouldn’t get off of me. Finally, it released itself and my mom dragged me out of the ocean.

Remember in the movie Inside Out, those “core memories” that stick with you forever?! This was one of them. It’s also a huge reason why to this day, I still have issues with the beach. But it’s not just that, as you’ll see. I’m a beach hater. There. I said it. And it’s okay if you’re a beach lover. We are allowed to feel differently about topics, especially ones this important 🙂 #sarcasmisfun

SO HERE IT IS…
in absolutely no particular order, my list of 14 reasons why I hate the beach…

1. SAND…whether you’re slathered in oil or sunscreen, the second the faintest wind blows, you’re now a human piece of sandpaper. Go find a piece of wood on the pier and file that shizz down with your body. At least you’ll be productive. WHYYYYYYYYYYYY must there be so much sand?! It’s in every crevice five minutes after I’ve stepped foot on it, and I mean EV-ER-Y. And it’s either too hot, too rocky, or too gross looking. Where is all of the fine, white, perfect sand I see on the Sandals commercials? (Don’t answer that…it’s in places I can’t afford).
2. WATER…the ocean isn’t made for humans you guys. I know that shocks some of yall! Yep, I bet you’re even surprised that there are sharks in there?!!! Why are you shocked by this?! That’s WHERE THEY LIVE. Just like we have houses and roads and utility bills, they have water and seaweed and other things that only belong in the ocean.
3. CURRENT/UNDERTOW/WAVES…some people actually see the water as a place to have fun, where you jump waves, body board and surf. I see a death trap. Where with one wrong move, you’re trapped, injured,  drowning, or gone. The current is unpredictable, and powerful. I don’t mess with that shizz. Nope. Also, I can’t see through it. And If I can’t see through it, you won’t see me in it.
4. WIND…Yeah, it may feel good every once and while to get a gust of wind when you’re drowning in your own sweat, err I mean laying out, but it’s also why I’m trying to stand the umbrella back up for the 1,835,394,037th time. It’s the reason why I’m human sandpaper. It’s the reason why my kid, who has only been in the ocean for four minutes, is now another town away. It’s the reason why it will take 34 minutes and two adults to lay the towels down on the sand. And it’s the reason why we will get a mouthful of sand, when the people who set up next to us, shake their towels out when packing up to go home.
5. OUTFITS…getting ready to go to the beach with kids takes LONGER than the amount of time you will ever spend AT the actual beach. Gotta put sunscreen on head to toe, get in bathing suit/trunks/rash guards, find hats/sunglasses/water shoes and any other accessory they (all of the sudden) NEED to wear to the beach.
   
6. ALL OF THE FUN STUFF…Don’t forget about the $178 worth of stuff you bought at WINGS, that you won’t even be able to fit back in your car on the ride home Sunday, because you were packed so tightly on the way down, you couldn’t find a kid for a few minutes when you stopped for gas/to pee. NOW, you get to blow up all of the stuff, til you’re so lightheaded, you question whether or not you can safely walk TO the beach.
7. PACK COOLER…Because even though it’s supposed to be recreation, you’re in the middle of a sand trap, without a kitchen, and all of the humans still have to be fed. So you must pack enough food and drinks, in the event there is also an apocalypse. But here’s the kicker. It’s damn near impossible to eat said food on the beach, because of SAND and WIND (refer back to #1 and #4). So you’ll use at least three bottles of your purified filtered water to wash off everyone’s hands so they can hold the food, just for one of them to accidentally drop the PB&J in the sand. BAD WORDS.
8. CARRY EVERYTHING…Load up that wagon with half of the house/hotel room you’re staying in. You need towels, chairs, an umbrella, the 128 pound apocalypse cooler, boogie boards, things to build sand castles with, toys, sunscreen, floaties, googles, etc. Whatever doesn’t fit, goes on your back. Unless you have to also carry a child. Never mind. This is the perfect push you needed to get the 6 month old to start walking. Maybe he or she can also carry something?
9. WALK…I have a hunch that my “beach lovers” probably have/get homes ON THE BEACH. But the Millers don’t have that kind of budget…we stay three-five rows away, so we have a decent walk to get to the sand and water part. With five kids in tow, that may take a good 20 minutes, especially if the 17 month old needs to walk because of #8.
10. NO POTTYS…this affects all of us, adults and kids alike. But ESPECIALLY if the kid needs to poop. Last summer, it took us ALL OF 90 MINUTES to get the five kids ready, dressed, packed up, and then a 20 minute walk to the beach. So nearly TWO HOURS have passed since we started the “we’re going to the beach, kids!!!” song and dance, and we finally put our feet in the sand! The kids were so excited and running around, the stud and I set everything up in 16 minutes flat, and then one of them says to me, “Deedee, I have to poop.” Yall, I SAW RED. I probably (totally) said some unkind words about bad timing, and possibly (no doubt) dropped a cuss word or two. So that child and I walked 20 minutes BACK TO THE HOUSE, waited 45 minutes for him to poop (he all of the sudden didn’t need to anymore), walked 20 minutes back to the beach, and then GUESS WHAT?!!! Not thirty minutes later, the youngest hit a wall, and needed to go back to the house for his nap. So there was another 20 minute walk back with him. FFS. How do people find this enjoyable?!!!
11. CAN’T RELAX…if you’re in the ocean, because your kids LOVE it and beg for you to get in, you’re worried about some/all of your stuff being stolen or blown away. If you’re with your stuff, depending on the tide/how busy it is, you might struggle to see your kids in the water. There is danger at every corner. Besides the water, there’s no boundaries. So you have a kid who likes to wander? AWESOME! Looks like you’re going to get your steps in for the day! It’s also a super fun game keeping the 15-month-old out of what looks to be the biggest bathtub of all time. And don’t get me started on kidnapping, or creepers looking at your kids. I realize not everyone thinks like this, but I DO, so sue me. Oh, and how long has it been since you REAPPLIED THE SUNSCREEN ON EVERYONE?! Hurry!
12. INJURY…Inevitably, despite my best efforts to lather everyone in sunscreen every 41 minutes, someone will get severely burnt ON DAY ONE, and thus will need to avoid the sun the rest of the trip. Which makes it SUPER HARD to go to the beach the rest of the days. Someone will also get stung by a jellyfish (we’ve already covered my attack). Someone will break an arm (happened at the OBX a couple of year ago), and you will have to avoid water the rest of the time. TOTES convenient when the most fun beach options are 1. ocean and 2. pool.
13. CLEAN EVERYTHING…when you get back from the beach, you have to spray off everyone and everything you brought with you, which we already established was the equivalent to a large moving van. All of the kids have to be washed off and stripped down. All of the stuff has to be sprayed off. The cooler needs to be emptied. The wagon shaken out. The kids redressed. So basically, it’s more steps than even being at home.
14. BATHING SUITS…What does every woman who doesn’t feel good about her body want to do?!!! WEAR AS LITTLE AMOUNT OF TIGHT FABRIC AS POSSIBLE!!! Not. But that’s part of being at the beach. And not only do you have to wear it, but you have to play in it, and build sand castles in it, and chase a toddler in it, and serve the meals in it. One wrong move, and a boob falls out, or a butt cheek…or worse?! It’s like doing all of your daily tasks in lingerie. But without air conditioning or comfortable seating.

    Since writing this post years ago, I’ve found bathing suits that are amazing, so at least there’s that! Here’s the link to that post 🙂

    And this is why it’s called a “family trip” and not a “vacation”

I know I sound like such a hater, but for the life of me I cannot understand why people like to do all of these things so much?! Is there something I’m missing (besides a good attitude)?! I also realize that I would feel differently if we had a house ON the beach, WITH a pool, and no young kids (or kids at all) with us. I also think there is a difference in beaches…some of them really do look blissful…I’ve just never been to those 🙂

And I do think that there’s something to be said about nostalgia. If you grew up going to the beach every year, and it holds incredible memories for you, you may love it that much more as an adult. I just don’t have those memories. And neither does the stud. He didn’t see the beach until he was NINETEEN. It’s kind of like The Goonies. I never watched it as a child, and now to try and watch it as an adult, makes me want to scoop my eyeballs out with a grapefruit spoon. (Oh, now I’ve really pissed some of yall off, huh?! A hater of the beach AND The Goonies?!) 🙂

But we go because our kids LOVE THE BEACH. And that means that we’ve never let on to them how much we despise it. So before you try to school me on how damaging it is for me to ruin it for my kids, I obviously haven’t. I play along the whole time, sucking it up as we go. We look for shells, we build the drip castles, watch Lilly jump for joy, and bury their legs to make them look like mermaids.

The stud gets them up early one morning, and they watch the sun rise together, daddy and daughter time at its finest. It’s also some of my favorite pictures he’s ever taken of them…

I live for the seashells my nephews gather for me, saying “Deedee, I got shells just for you.”

Look at their elated faces when we got them the “unlimited rides” wristband for the fair! Only cost us $175 for our family of seven 😉

So I do see the joy in MANY of the moments.

I would just rather see those moments of joy WITHOUT sand in my crotch.

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